Yeah, I went there. :)
This post is to address myself, to address decisions I've been making that I refuse to make again.
I've always liked boys. I've wanted to be some of them, be best friends with some of them, and some of them I've never wanted to let go of. I've chased them across states, from New Mexico to Michigan to Texas, which sounds absolutely nuts. I've compromised characters, ideas, goals, and morals to get them. I've changed my future to be like them.
Regardless of the past - awful - decisions I've made concerning the opposite sex, it's been a season of change, including how I look at and treat guys. It's been a season of personal change: I've committed myself to service for at least 6 years with the Army, I've started to make physical changes pertaining to strength and ability, and I've made attitude changes.
After all that, you'd think that they wouldn't get under my skin. FALSE. Shit is imbedded deep, I tell you. It's hard to let go of abuse, hard to let go of insecurity and wrongs and basically the lesser bullshit you get with relations and relationships.
I'm making a decision though: I'm not chasing anymore. I'm just not. I have 1,001xinfinity faults, but I have just as many good qualities. It's a struggle to see the latter sometimes, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I'm working on myself now. And those pesky boys? They can come and go. But there is no way that I'm letting them have the leverage they've had previously. It ain't worth it.
Attitude is everything. Imma do me.
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